


Residual Energy

by somanyfeels



Series: Momentum [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Accidental Outing, Blood and Injury, Coming Out, Depression, Guilt, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Injury Recovery, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:20:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9809000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: Bitty couldn’t remember if he was allowed to nod or not.  He couldn’t remember what most of the doctors had said to him in the past few days.  He was stable, maybe.  He was well enough to go home.  He was going to spend a few weeks to heal and rest.  Bitty didn’t remember whose idea it was to bring him back to Madison, but he felt nothing inside him to argue, not when he was sure it hadn’t been a dream that his mother had cried by his side every time he opened his eyes.  He wondered how many days it has been since the incident.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the long awaited sequal to Good Bad Luck. I'm glad to finally get the first part of it up and I think it turned out really great. A lot of emotions, a lot of healing, and hopefully these boys end up okay in the end.

Bitty had agreed when his mama asked him to come home.  It had happened while he was sleeping, which didn’t mean much as he usually slept most of the day.  He was stable now, at least enough to be laying in his own bed back home in Madison.  Jack had gone back to Providence, the rest of the team back to Samwell, and he was excused for the rest of the semester to heal.  Still, waking up in this room had been a surprise.  Bitty had been sure that it was all a fever dream.  He remembered Holster being uncharacteristically quiet, Jack had cursed hockey as he was obligated to go back to Providence, and the room seemed so strange in his own eyes now.

 “Hey dicky.”  His mama had said, appearing in front of him as she began to fluff his pillows and brush his hair from his face.  “How are you feeling?  Do you need water?”

Bitty didn’t answer.  His mouth was sealed shut and his head felt too heavy to nod.  He couldn’t remember if he was allowed to nod or not.  He couldn’t remember what most of the doctors had said to him in the past few days.  He was stable, maybe.  He was well enough to go home.  He was going to spend a few weeks to heal and rest.  Bitty didn’t remember whose idea it was to bring him back to Madison, but he felt nothing inside him to argue, not when he was sure it hadn’t been a dream that his mother had cried by his side every time he opened his eyes.  He wondered how many days it has been since the incident.

Georgia felt warmer than he remembered.  Even with all of his covers thrown to the floor he was already sweating.  Mama had set up a fan and a new air conditioner and kept his room cool, but it wasn’t enough.  Even when mama insisted the room was far too cold it still felt too hot.  It was late fall.  Up in Massachusetts he would wear a sweater as the cool winds chilled him to the bone.  He could be out on the ice.  Bitty was good on the ice.  He couldn’t remember why he wasn’t there now.

“Your Moomaw wants to come see you later.  So much of the family wants to come visit, but I told them all to wait.  You need rest still.”  Mama said softly.  Bitty was happy she was here, but she turned off the fan and the heat was still overwhelming.  She asked if Bitty wanted to see anyone.  His mouth wouldn’t open and he couldn’t say Jack.  The names of the team back at Samwell wouldn’t form on his tongue.  He couldn’t even agree to see Moomaw.  Was he allowed to nod?

Bitty had moved to sit up, intent on reaching over to turn the fan back on, but mama hushed him and pushed him back onto the bed.  Her eyes were red again.  Mama cried a lot these days.  Coach had cried once, but that might have been a dream.  Everything was so strange it had to be a dream. 

He was tired, he went back to sleep.

 

\---

 

_Ransom was the most shaken by the news.  Mr. and Mrs. Bittle were planning to move Bitty back home where their relatives could visit and Bitty could rest for a while.  He wanted to argue.  He had to keep Bitty close, had to see him and reach out to feel if he was still warm.  The few times he had gone to visit he reached for his wrist to find the now familiar pulse._

_“Are you sure he’s ready for that?  It’s only been a few days.”  Ransom said quickly.  Mrs. Bittle clutched her hands tightly in front of her as she looked back at her sleeping son, a light flush had returned to his cheeks and he was no longer clammy and pale.  The doctors had said he was stable, but Ransom was sure if he couldn’t see Bitty anymore then he would lose him._

_“It’ll be fine.”  Holster said.  He had turned and left as soon as he said it.  He never stayed long in Bitty’s room.  Long enough to see the boy alive and breathing, but then he would run away a moment later._

_Ransom was left alone here, as a mother looked at her injured, sleeping boy and wiped fresh tears from her eyes.  She would take Bitty back to Georgia.  Ransom figured it was for the best, give him a few months to heal.  The coaches had already set things up with the school and the financial aid office, Bitty could take off the rest of the semester if he wanted.  Ransom didn’t want him to go.   He didn’t stick his hand into his bloody, mangled neck to keep him alive just for him to disappear._

 

\---

 

Bitty had gotten to a point where he could walk downstairs to the kitchen by himself before getting tired again.  It was scary walking down the steps but he gripped the railing tight and took his time with each step.  He was wore out before he could make it to the fridge so he just sat down at the table and put his head down.  He had done the same thing the past few days.  He would nap here for a few minutes, or hours, or at least until his mama patted his shoulder gently and offered him something to drink.

That was all he was given these days.  He couldn’t open his mouth to eat and he had a small moment of panic every time he swallowed.  Every meal he was given was drinkable.  Sometimes he got smoothies, sometimes nutrition shakes, sometimes juice, but always enough of everything to keep him healthy.

Bitty was relaxed with his face mushed against the smooth tabletop.  He could sleep like this for the rest of his life if he was left alone. He wasn’t though, Bitty wasn’t sure how long he got to nap for but he blinked his eyes open groggily as he heard someone walking around the kitchen.  His mama usually woke him up for, checking to see if he was alright and to look him over one more time before fixing him something to drink.  Sleep was still trying to drag him down, but he must have been napping for longer than it seemed because his neck was already stiff and throbbing.  He rubbed his eyes to try and wake up a bit more.

“Here ya go, Junior.”  Coach said, setting down a tall glass of something.  It smelled like peaches.

Coach sat down across from him and Bitty felt like he must be in trouble.  It was like when he was a little kid, Coach only sat down with him in the kitchen when he wanted to have A Talk™.  It usually involved Bitty not being tough enough, not focusing enough, not being good enough in school or in pee wee football or anything really.  Bitt leaned over the table and tilted his head down as he took a sip.  His Moomaw made the best peach tea.  He wondered if she stopped by to drop off a jug.  Maybe he slept through her visit.

“Keep your head up.”  Coach said and Bitty almost flinched.  Was he in trouble?  He couldn’t remember what he said or did to bring about a talk.  “Will you need help back up to your room?”

Bitty didn’t nod, he still wasn’t sure if he could or not and he didn’t want to risk messing up his stitches. 

 

\---

 

_Holster had nightmares.  Every night after classes he would just lay out in his bed on the bottom bunk and then he would close his eyes and be back on the ice.  He never used to have nightmares.  Now he had one, every night, and it was ruining his life.  He didn’t sleep much, he couldn’t go back out on the ice, and he was failing as a team captain._

_He had the nightmare again.  Bitty had thrown off his helmet, had gasped for air and choked on blood and it was burned into Holster’s mind.  No matter how late he stayed up and how easily his exhaustion pulled him to sleep, the nightmares came back and Holster woke up quickly.  He would lay in bed for a few minutes, his heart pounding fast.  After a moment he would climb up to the top bunk and Ransom would hold him until he calmed down.  Ransom would tell him it wasn’t his fault.  Holster didn’t believe it but it helped maybe._

_“Maybe we can go skating in the morning.”  Ransom said softly.  It had been a while since that game, almost a week maybe, Holster hadn’t kept track.  He hadn’t gotten on the ice since and he had missed their most recent game.  They lost._

_Holster shook his head and held onto Ransom tighter.  He was an angel for letting Holster hold him, for saving Bitty so Holster wouldn’t have to be the one who killed him.  Holster didn’t deserve comforts from him, but he needed it._

_“Come on, you got those new skates and you haven’t even broken them in yet.”  Ransom said softly._

_Holster shouldn’t have bought new skates.  It was a waste of money, he should have just given up when he threw his old, tainted ones in the trash.  They were bloody no matter how hard he scrubbed and sanitized them.  Ransom had gotten a new uniform as well, but he had worn it for the last game and declared it bad luck.  Holster wondered if his new skates were good luck or not.  The old ones definitely were cursed._

_“Please.  You’re gonna end up forgetting how to skate and then what am I going to do?  Run a team where my co-captain can’t skate?”  Ransom said softly, pleading with Holster to come with him to skate.  Maybe at the lake.  Definitely not at Faber._

_“I can’t.”  Holster said, hiding his face away in Ransom’s chest.  He wondered how he looked these days.  He felt smaller, sickly, like a child sometimes.  He felt like his guilt showed on his face and the whole team was always staring.  He was the one who almost killed Bitty, with a stupid play and a stray ice skate.  “Please, Rans.  Don’t make me go out there again.”_

 

\---

 

Getting his phone back was a dream come true.  It had taken Bitty hours to read through all the messages in the group chat that had accumulated over the past week while he slept almost continuously.  It was incredible how much of the team’s conversations were about him but also not about him.  There was a lot of dancing around the subject, a lot of references, and a lot of awkward changes of subject.

Bitty smiled as Chowder asked him if he minded coming home and the pie he had left in the fridge was gone, because he had eaten it.  Three days after the accident and people were only just now eating that pie.  He wished he had been more coherent so he could have replied back then and say it was alright.  Lardo did it for him, saying that Bitty was projecting as he slept and said it was okay.  They talked a lot about how Bitty was probably asleep during these conversations.

Apparently a very large card and gift basket showed up at the haus yesterday from the Princeton team.  There was also a letter of condolences from the team captain and also one from the player that Holster had tried to take down.  Their coaches even had a meeting.  Bitty wondered how hectic things were over there.  All of this because a play went wrong and Bitty got hurt.

_Do you think the Princeton team will give me an award? >.> Or a check??_

He sent the text and then opened twitter, letting everyone know he was feeling okay and doing real good.  He sent everyone a pic of himself relaxing with his sunglasses as he laid out in the sun.  They had a deck in the back of the house.  Coach had his prized grill and Mama had a small flower garden.  It looked exactly like it did last time he was here.  It was home and it always seemed to be the same.

“Dicky, I made you an apple cinnamon smoothie.  I found a recipe on pinterest so you have to tell me if it’s good or not.”  Mama said as she came out onto the deck.  She sat down in the lawn chair beside him and held the drink out until he took it.  There was another crazy straw in it and Bitty smiled at that.  He had a lot of fruity smoothies lately, a lot of liquid food since he couldn’t chew or even open his mouth very much.  His stomach was already starting to feel a bit soft from all the sugar and calories and very little exercise.

The smoothie was good.  Tasted almost like an apple pie.

Mama kept staring at him, her eyes so wide and alert that Bitty was worried she might start crying if she so much as blinked.  It had happened before.  His mama cried an awful lot these days.  Bitty felt horrible about it, but she usually stopped crying after she held him for a bit.

“You know, you can stay here for a while.  It’ll be nice, you can just stay with us, rest up for a few weeks.  You can go back in the spring.  Or wait until the fall.  You can stay here as long as you need to.”  She said, waving her hand a bit to urge him to drink more.  “Just something to think about.  You can tell me how you like it in a few weeks.  You have an appointment coming up, Coach will take you, but they are going to look at your stitches and examine your jaw.  Just to make sure you’re healing alright.  Then maybe you two could get ice cream.  Or milkshakes.  Yeah, that would be nice.  Barbara at the Milk Shack has been asking how you’ve been doing.”

Mama rambled when she was nervous.  Bitty guessed that he got that from her, but right now with his jaw wired shut he wasn’t able to do much talking.  It just made his mind run wild, because he wanted to get back to Samwell as soon as possible.  He wanted to have Ransom and Holster chirp him about how pudgy he had got when in reality he was still way fitter than he was when he first joined the team.  He wanted Jack to be driving distance away.  He wanted Jack to visit and snuggle with him when his pain medication made his head all fuzzy.  He wanted to know what treats were in the gift basket, at least what was left since the team likely tore it apart by now.

He texted Jack.

 

\---

 

_Hockey news was big deal to a lot of fans.  If a player gets injured the way Bits did then it’s all over the place.  Especially a twenty year old college player injured with so much video and photographic documentation.  Jack hated it.  He hated turning on the news, he hated talking to reporters, he hated that everyone knew that his former teammate had been injured so bad and was out of the season.  He hated that Bits was so far away now._

If you came to visit my mama would love it.  Coach might come get you himself if I asked.

_Bitty had texted him that morning.  From what Jack could tell, a week after the incident, Bitty was more coherent and was healing just fine.  Still, Jack wanted to be there for him.  There was a huge difference between knowing he was alright, and being there to hold him and feeling him alive and warm._

_“You know if you asked Georgia she would let you go.  We handled this team before you showed up and we can manage a game or two while you’re gone.”  Thirdy said.  He knew.  There were few Falconers who knew so far about Jack’s relationship, but he was open to telling more people.  The ones he had told had all been supportive, had all been careful to make sure Jack wasn’t bombarded with the rumors and the images.  “Honestly, this counts as a family emergency I think.”_

_“He’s at home with his family.  They don’t… they don’t know about us.  Or about him really.  I don’t want to make things difficult since he’s going to be stuck there for a while.  It’s safest for him if I don’t act suspicious.”  Jack said quickly.  The more he talked the more Thirdy’s frown deepened.  He wanted more than anything to just drop everything and go to Georgia, but he couldn’t.  He would give up hockey for a while, he could help Bitty get better, help him heal._

_“Are they not supportive?”  Thirdy asked._

_Jack shrugged.  When he was with Bitty for the Independence Day he had gotten to know the family and the neighbors.  They were all lovely people and Jack knew for certain that the Bittles loved their son, but they were traditional and deep in their ways.  They weren’t bad people, but they didn’t know Bitty was gay and it would probably be an adjustment for them._

_“If Bits ever told them, then they would make an effort to support him. “  Jack said.  They weren’t bad parents and they weren’t prejudice, but it would be a change that Bitty is scared to enact._

 

\---

 

Bitty had fallen asleep in the warm sun, sprawled out on the back deck and he hummed as someone squeezed his shoulder.  He frowned, waving the person away as he held onto the comfort of sleep and the comfortable heat that was surrounding him.

“Dicky, you try dismissing me like that again… I dare ya’.“  Moomaw said patting his shoulder again.

Bitty smiled as his eyes flew open and he sat up to embrace her.  Bitty had been sleeping so much the past week or so that he had missed it every time she had come to visit.  Mama had said that the first day he was back she came and just sat in his room, fussing over him quietly while letting him sleep.  He knew his Moomaw and if he was well enough to walk outside and nap on the deck then by her standards he was well enough to be woken up for a visit.  He was happy to see her.

“Would you look at yourself?”  Moomaw said.  Her grip on Bitty’s shoulders were tight and her fingers dug into the skin, but it was more comforting than painful.  “You’re getting those adorable little chubby cheeks back.  And you’re so pale, not getting nearly enough sun up there in Massachusetts.”

The worst part about all of this was that he couldn’t open his mouth and talk to her.  There was a lot of bad parts about this injury, he would occasionally have a panic when he swallowed or breathed wrong, he woke up with a start from a dream he couldn’t quite remember, he was so far from everyone.  Ransom and Holster were miles away and he couldn’t ask if they were okay, because while he was bleeding out on the ice they had to watch it and be part of it.  Jack was deep into the hockey season and couldn’t come visit.  But still the worst part was that Bitty couldn’t say any of this.

“I’m just glad you’re back Dicky.  Your mama says you’ll be in Madison for a while, so we can work on getting you some sun and getting some food into you.”  Moomaw said as she held Bitty tight and kissed the side of his head.  “And then you can work on getting better and you can tell me all about what got into your head to play such a dangerous sport.  Hopefully it won’t scar your beautiful skin, but a cut like that… well at least girls like scars.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may or may not have noticed that I changed the number of chapters in this from 3 to 4, because I realized I wouldn't be able to finish the story I want to tell in one more chapter. This may or may not happen again.
> 
> You guys left me with so many amazing comments and I read all of them and I wanted to reply to all of them but I'm terrible.

Bitty wore a tank top and shorts, something that would kill him if he was up at Samwell in the dead of winter.  Georgia was warm.  Bitty almost wanted to wear a scarf to cover the bandages but he was sweating before he even left the house.  It was nothing like how cold it was up at Samwell and on the ice, the heat was almost unbearable.  Bitty had once been so used to it, and now he felt like he was burning up and dying.

“We’ll see what the doctor says, but maybe we’ll stop and get milkshakes on the way home.”  Coach said.  He was the one taking him to the doctor for his appointment.  It was just to check up on how things were healing and make sure the cut wasn’t infected.  Mama had been taking care of it.  Bitty was sure things were fine.

Bitty leaned back in his seat and watched out the window as they drove by the neighbors and the parks that he used to play in.  So many people Bitty knew and had stayed mostly the same since he had been gone.  He used to think everything was so different when he would come back on breaks, but now that he was stuck here for a while it was almost exactly as it was when he left.  Brenda Dooley from a few doors down waved at them from her front lawn where her corgi was dressed in a vest and chasing the spray of the hose as she watered her garden.  Her husband was likely working down at Walmart right now and her sons were married and living across town with their wives and new babies.

He waved at her as they went by.  He sank down in his seat and stopped looking out the window.  It was a bit of a trip. Madison had a lot of good doctors but they weren’t really used to seeing a slit throat.  They had to drive to a specialist the next town over, about a half hour drive.  Bitty almost wished his mama had driven instead, she would have talked nonstop the whole way about how happy she was he was back and all the stuff they would do now that he was home.  She talked about it a lot.

“I know you’re not happy about any of this, but let’s just try to make the best of it.  You really scared the hell out of your mother.”  Coach said, not taking his eyes off of the road.

If Bitty could talk he would tell him that he understood, mama almost lost her baby, that he was fine.  He missed Samwell, he missed hockey, and he missed the guys.  Jack skyped him every night if Bitty was able to keep his eyes open for it, but he always fell asleep first. He texted everyone about everything, but he was lonely.  Georgia didn’t quite feel like home anymore.

“I’m not good at this talking thing, Junior.  You usually did most of that.  Got it from your mother.  I just wanted to take you to the doctor so maybe I could figure it out, but now I feel like an idiot with you held hostage in the car with me.”  Coach didn’t sound flustered.  His mama would have if she was saying that, but Coach sounded tired and a bit annoyed and he kept on looking at the road. 

\--- 

_Holster went to talk to the councilor.  Ransom had insisted and said that they were great and free.  It was the free part that got his attention, the fact that they were made readily available on campus was just a bonus.  That was the only reason he was going, because it was free. He was not going because of the nightmares._

_Now he sat like an idiot twiddling his thumbs as the clock ticked.  He had gone over exactly what he wanted to talk about for days after making the appointment.  They were a bulleted list back in the attic, but now that he was sitting in front of her and ready to spill his guts he couldn’t remember a damn thing on it._

_“You said in your email that you were considering quitting the team.  Why don’t you tell me about that?”  She asked._

_Holster nodded.  He remembered that bit but all the details were still a mystery.  He knew exactly what the main reason was, he couldn’t get that image out of his head.  It was the source off everything it seemed so maybe it was what he needed to talk about most._

_“Rans is a better captain than I am.  The team will be fine with him for the rest of the semester.  I just can’t keep playing anymore.” Holster said.  It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but it was close enough to the truth._

_“And why do you think that, Adam?” The lady said.  He couldn’t remember her name.  It was definitely Dr. something._

_“He’s smarter.  He’s faster.  He…he takes better care of the team.”  Holster took a deep breath and kept twiddling his thumbs.  If he stopped he would want to run a hand over his face and he thought he might try to cover his eyes and he refused to cry anymore.  He had cried too much already.  “I…um.  There was an accident on ice.  It was my fault, but Princeton is just bad luck anyway.  I hurt a good friend of mine, one of my teammates.  I was the captain, I should have done more to keep them safe during the play, but I almost killed him and then watched like an idiot as Rans came in like a fucking angel and saved his life.”_

_This was about Bitty.  Everything these days were about Bitty.  He used to live in the Haus with them, they would wake up every morning and see him peppy and happy and trying to make excuses as to why he shouldn’t go to class.  Bitty would have bags under his eyes and his cowlicks would be worse than usual, but the more he woke up the happier he was. Now Bitty was gone, back in Georgia and texting them all the time about how Massachusetts was turning him into a ‘damn yankee’ and what a tragedy that was.  The mornings were quieter now and Chowder was probably the most open with how it made him feel.  Lardo gave him the duty of defending Bitty’s gift basket until he got back and he had taken the duty with zeal._

_It was damn unfair._

_\---_

Bitty got his milkshake.  Coach let him get the largest one they had with whipped cream and a cherry on top.  When he was a kid and Coach put him in pee wee football they would get milkshakes every day after practice.  It was the only thing about playing football that he actually enjoyed.  The milkshake was perfect, especially since it felt like the hottest winter in Georgia he had ever experienced but he blamed it on being in Massachusetts over a week ago and having to hike through mountains of snow to get to class.

Coach got a milkshake too, as big as Bitty’s and decked out with whipped cream as well.  It was nice, Bitty didn’t have to worry about anymore one-sided conversations because they were both just drinking their treats on the trip home. Every time Coach did open his mouth to say something Bitty would look away and take a long sip of his milkshake and Coach would close his mouth with a frown.

Bitty was healing fine.  In a few weeks they would take out the stitches and let him open his jaw, but he still wouldn’t be completely healed.  Bitty would have to spend months trying to heal, he would have to spend so much god damn time looking at some ugly scar on his neck and knowing how he got it.  He was scared to get back on the ice, he knew that all the fear he had spent so much time trying to overcome would all just come soaring back and was scared of that moment when it became true.  Bitty would spend so much time dealing with this that a few weeks of physical healing for him to be able to open his mouth wouldn’t cut it.

He had some childlike desire to curl up against his dad, bury his face in his neck and cry for a while about how scary it had been when it happened, how horrified and deathly cold it was.  He wanted to cry, but Coach didn’t like tears.  Tears weren’t manly, tears weren’t tough.  Bitty had to be stronger.

He took another long sip of his milkshake and unbuckled his seatbelt as they pulled into the driveway.  Coach sighed again and got out.  He walked up the steps of the front porch and left Bitty behind to wait for him at the door.  Bitty was thankful, his mama would be holding onto him and helping him with every step he made, but Coach let him do it himself.  Bitty was tough, he was strong.  Coach wanted him to be strong.

\---

_Ransom’s hands hadn’t stopped shaking in weeks.  Not since the incident.  It was a slight tremble that most of the time was unnoticeable, but his handwriting was shakier and he was having trouble holding onto the stick.  If he kept busy then it was okay, but if he tried to relax and clear his head then the shaking got so bad he couldn’t try to pick anything up._

_He thought for a moment about calling the doctor, but he knew there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with him physically.  It was nerves.  It was a lot of built up anxiety after everything had happened and he had decided not to deal with it.  It was easier to push it to the back of his head and pretend like he was okay because Bitty was alive.  That was the most important thing in the world._

_He told himself that now.  He whispered it to himself over and over again.  “Get ahold of yourself, Justin.  He’s alive.  You can calm down because he’s alive.”  Ransom said.  It wasn’t doing much good.  He was starting to wonder if it would ever stop or if this experience left him with a constant tremble in his hands._

_Ransom always had a bit of a shaking habit.  It usually only happened when he was studying or if he was nervous about something, he would disguise it by twirling a pencil back and forth in his fingers and he flipped through a textbook or by sitting on his hands until the exam season passed.  Oddly enough, the incident had been the most anxiety inducing experience of his life and his hands had been rock steady as he held Bitty.  He was thankful for that.  If his hands shook for the rest of his life it would be okay because at least they were steady when he needed them to be._

_Ransom quickly shoved his hands under his thighs and leaned over the desk to pretend to read a book as Holster came into the room.  Holster seemed a bit more relaxed now, his shoulders loose and he crawled onto the bottom bunk with a soft sigh._

_“How did it go?”  Ransom asked._

_Holster sighed.  “Alright for the first session, I guess.  I talked and she asked a few questions.  I’m waiting for the part where she tells me exactly what’s going on in my head and exactly what I gotta do to fix it.”_

_“I don’t think that’s how therapy works.”  Ransom said._

_“It’s not therapy, it’s counseling.  And I know that’s now how it works, but I’m still hoping there’s a magic answer that will make it all better.”  Holster said and he laid out on his bunk._

_Ransom smiled as Holster dropped off to sleep after a few minutes.  He hadn’t been sleeping much at all these days and he was starting to look exhausted.  Holster looked like shit and Ransom chirped him about it all the time but he was worried.  It wasn’t his fault what had happened, but Holster never listened._

\---

Bitty took a nap, the trip to the doctor had taken a lot out of him so he took his meds and curled up in bed with all the fans pointed at him.  The sound of the fan was actually pretty relaxing, it lulled him into a deep sleep.  He had a dream, it was a bad dream but considering it happened in real life might be why it was bad.  Ransom was cradling him and Bitty thought he was going to die.  He would die in Ransom’s arms and with Holster watching in absolute terror and the teams so close.  There would have been pictures.  There already were pictures and videos and all sorts of things on the whole mess, but if he had died the pictures would have been worse.

It was the same tableau every time he closed his eyes, Ransom was cradling him like a child and keeping him alive.  He hated the feeling of almost dying.  It was like getting checked, when the whole world slowed down and he saw the blood hovering in front of his face before he had even known what had happened.  It’s such a surreal experience when time slows down and you think you’re about to die.  A thousand thoughts went through Bitty’s head and the ones that struck him the most was that he didn’t want there to be pictures and videos of him dying and it wasn’t Holster’s fault.

Bitty flinched awake when something touched his shoulder.  He took in a harsh breath and almost panicked when his mouth wouldn’t open for him to breathe, but then he saw Jack standing above him, Jack’s hand was squeezing his shoulder gently and his other hand raised in surrender.

“I’m sorry.  I just- you looked upset and I didn’t want you to be scared anymore.”  Jack whispered.  Bitty looked up at him and he tried to figure out if he was still dreaming or not.  The hand felt solid and as soon as the tears started to sting in Bitty’s eyes Jack climbed on the bed and wrapped his arms around him tight and this was a much better dream.

Jack settled on the bed next to him and they held each other.  Bitty was worried that if he let go then Jack would disappear and he would wake up and be alone.  He wanted to hold onto this for a while longer, but as Jack held him the more he needed to cry.  He had been trying to be stronger, he had to be tough and he had to keep himself together.  He was okay.  But right now he didn’t feel okay.  He had almost died out there on the ice.  In that moment he had known he was likely to die and it was such a scary thing to be aware of.  Bitty hadn’t actually cried about it yet.  It had been almost two weeks and he hadn’t even cried about the fact that he almost died in front of his friends.  Crying was hard when he couldn’t open his mouth.

“It’s okay, Bits.  It’s okay.  I have you, you can cry as much as you want.”  Jack whispered and he rubbed his hand up and down Bitty’s back.  Jack was so much bigger than he was and Bitty decided to indulge himself by draping himself over his boyfriend’s chest.  “Shitty’s downstairs keeping your parents distracted.  He told them that we were here to help cheer you up and that we were worried and wanted to be there for you.  We’re your friends after all.  He also told my boss that it was important to my health that I take time off for important issues, he called George and said that he was my lawyer and everything.”

Bitty was still crying, but Jack’s voice and arms were the most soothing things in the world.  He was trembling and Bitty hated how he couldn’t be stronger.  Coach hated it when he cried.  Mama always thought it was good for him, but Bitty had to be tough.  How could he be tough and strong when something like that had happened?  It’s a miracle he survived and it’s a miracle he didn’t actually feel the blade cutting through him.  Bitty was sure if he had felt it he would be even worse off than he was now.

The tears stopped and Bitty was just breathing slowly as he laid on top of Jack.  He wanted to ask why he was here, if he wanted to go back to Providence so he could stay with his team.  Hockey was always the most important thing, and yet here Jack was holding him tight.  He wanted to ask so many things.  How was the trip?  Is the team okay?  Is Ransom and Holster alright?  Bitty was worried about them more than anything else.  If Bitty was panicking over almost dying then those two, as close and involved as they were, must be feeling awful as well.

Jack let out a soft chuckle as his fingers started poking all the soft parts of Bitty’s stomach.  He was still small and he was still in great shape with good muscle definition, but a few weeks of milkshakes, smoothies, and liquid foods with little to no exercise and training left him a bit softer than he was used to.  Jack kissed the top of his head as he kept poking.  Bitty was still crying, but it was just a few tears slipping down his cheeks instead of the panicked and desperate burst of energy and emotion that had just passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Jack visit. More details on why he and Shitty are in Madison to see Bitty next chapter. It's all sweet and adorable and it'll be good for all of them.
> 
> Please comment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go

Having Jack close by was a blessing.  Bitty loved having him here, loved the chirping and the soft glances and gentle touches.  Mama put Jack and Shitty into the guest room down the hall, but he would sneak over at night and just hold Bitty until the early morning.  It made sleeping easier.  Bitty didn’t wake up as often feeling like he couldn’t breathe and that he might bleed to death.

“Bits, I like it.”  Jack said, smiling as he poked at Bitty’s slightly fuller cheeks.  He was still skinny, still fit from years of hockey but closer now to the build he had freshman year.  Bitty blamed all the milkshakes and fruit smoothies.  He was getting his wiring removed soon and would be able to open his mouth again, but he was still worried about switching back to solid food.  It would still be easier than it was now.

“I mean it.  You’re still in good shape but you have such soft cheeks how.  You’re adorable.”  Jack said.

It was the middle of the night.  Shitty was sleeping in the guest room and his parents were down the hall.  It was one of the few times they could be alone together, his mama had gotten into the habit of coming and going as she pleased without knocking to check on him.  Jack had wasted no time in slipping into his room once everyone was asleep and climbing into bed with Bitty just like he always did the past few weeks he was here.  It was nice, Bitty wished he could just cuddle up next to Jack at all hours of the day.

“Don’t make that face.”  Jack said, poking his cheeks again but this time with the tip of his nose as he held Bitty closer.

Bitty didn’t reach for his phone just to type out that he was tired, but he tapped his eyes for a moment before resting his head on Jack.  He was probably understood, but if not it wasn’t a big deal.  Most people didn’t really know what he was trying to say when he didn’t have his phone.  He could type up whole sentences in a matter of seconds if he had it and people would take the time to read it, but his phone was dead and charging and at moments like this he couldn’t really say what he wanted.

He could tell Jack that he didn’t mind his cheeks, they were fuller and his stomach a bit softer, but he was in great shape still.  He could start light exercises if he wanted, he could get back into training as soon as he was cleared to.  He couldn’t get back on the ice anytime soon, but in time he would.  He would tell Jack that the past few weeks he had been here was a lot easier than before.  His parents were more relaxed, his nightmares had calmed down some just being held at night, and he felt like the time was going by quicker.

“Go to bed.  In a few days we can get you back onto your usual diet because I know you’re skipping the protein shakes for smoothies.  Soon you’ll be back to your high protein and pie diet, with a lot of exercise to get you back in shape for the hockey season.  We can go running in the mornings, but it’s so hot down here.  We have to be careful not to overheat.  I’ll pack some water bottles.”  The more Jack spoke the more his voice slowed down and his eyes drooped.  Bitty leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to Jack’s cheek and leaning against him as the man fell asleep.

Bitty rested his head on Jack’s chest.  It was late, Jack would have to be out of his room early. His mama had gotten into the habit of just coming into his room whenever she wanted, stating she only wanted to check if he was okay.  If she caught Jack in his room then it would be a disaster.  He didn’t want to worry now, Jack was usually good about leaving early before anyone else woke up.  Bitty just relaxed and closed his eyes.

\---

_Holster took a deep breath as he tightened his skates.  He wasn’t going into an actual game, it was just practice.  The coaches were being surprisingly understanding about his apprehension to play again.  He was a student first, still a kid in their eyes and some things were more important than Hockey._

_“It’s not my fault.  It wasn’t my fault.”  Holster muttered to himself as he went through his pregame routine.  There were no games to be played today.  But he went through his routine anyway just to get back into the swing of it and to calm his pounding heart.  He had nonstop episodes of 30 Rock playing on his phone and it was great at blocking out the silence in the empty locker room._

_Bitty’s stuff had been cleaned out.  He was taking the rest of the semester off and it would be best to have his stuff waiting for him in his room since most of them had to clean out their spaces after the semester anyway.  Holster didn’t want to look at it and know that Bitty was benched and home healing from such a devastating injury._

_“Come on, Adam.  Pull yourself together.  It was an accident.  Wasn’t my fault.”               Holster kept whispering to himself as he stood up and turned off his phone.  Stepping out onto the ice again was a bit jarring.  It had been weeks and he thought he might not ever do this again.  Ransom was doing a fine job as captain without him putting more of their teammates in danger.  “Wasn’t my fault.”  He said again._

_He pushed off his skate and slowly glided further into the center of the ring.  His body knew how to go about the movements, how to balance himself, how to move.  It was as natural to him as breathing but with more anxiety.  His heart was pounding too fast and beating against his ribs.  There was no one around to see him, to get in the way and get hurt._

_“It wasn’t my fault.”  Holster said again.  He just had to keep saying it until he believed it.  Truth was a tricky thing, because if Holster thought about it too much it was his fault.  It was his play, his plan, his failed check that sent him hurtling over the other player and his skate that smashed itself into Bitty’s neck.  But it was an accident, he was going just a bit too fast, the player crouched down a bit too low, and Bitty was a bit too close.  All of those little things combined into a big disaster._

_Holster skated laps until he got used to skating again and his heartrate calmed down._

_\---_

“See what happens when you let me take care of you?  You end up just fine.  I know best.”  Mama said happily as she moved around the kitchen.

Bitty had a chocolate milkshake that Coach had gotten for him on the way home from his doctor.  It was a bit too sweet today, made his stomach ache, but he didn’t want to throw it out.  Coach was sipping a strawberry one just a foot away.  Everyone had gathered in the kitchen as Mama made lunch and Coach told them all about what the doctor had said.  Jack sat at Bitty’s side.

“My baby boy has a clean bill of health and in this time next week you’ll get all of that wiring out so you can tell me about how grateful you are to have your mama caring for you.  I bet you’re excited to talk again and eat solid food.  If I have to look at those puppy eyes again whenever I make my peach cobbler then I’ll just die.”  Mama said.  She was excited and Bitty couldn’t blame her.  The doctor had said that his neck was healing just fine and the break on his jaw was healed enough to take out the wiring.  He was ready for light physical labor and it was best that they still kept an eye on him, just in case.

“Bitty’s been slamming those shakes, I’m sure he’s excited to add mare variety to his desserts.  It’s been over a month since your last pie, how are you even still alive?”  Shitty said, laughing at his own lame joke that made Bitty chuckle.

“He definitely needs more protein.  You’re going to end up losing all your muscle mass and then what state will you be in for Hockey season?  You can come running with me in the mornings now.”  Jack said.

“I think it would be best if he went slowly.  Just a few weeks ago he could hardly keep his eyes open.  It would be best for him to keep resting, right Jack?  I know you want what’s best for him, and that’s to take a nice long break.  Besides, after what happened I don’t think he should be on the team for the next hockey season.”  Mama said.  Bitty froze, he put down the milkshake because of the sudden chills he had just gotten.  He had every intention of getting back on the team for the next season, especially since he would have to do a lot of catch up in school and would likely graduate a semester late.  The team was one of the few things Bitty loved about college.  “No one argue with me, not right now.  This is a happy moment.  My son is okay.”

Bitty looked at Coach.  He wouldn’t let Mama keep him from hockey.  Coach was proud that he played hockey; it was a tough, manly, contact sport.  Bitty tried to make his eyes as big as he could and beg without opening his mouth for his dad to let him stay in the sport.  It was the only thing he managed to do to make his papa proud, but Coach looked him right in the eye with a deep frown and shook his head, refusing to put in a case for him and his sport.

Bitty leaned back and pouted, feeling Jack’s hand on his knees squeezing tightly, the gesture hidden under the table.  His heart was pounding fast and he desperately wanted to hold in the tears he could feel stinging his eyes.  The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of everyone.  He would have the wiring on his jaw taken off soon, he would open his mouth and he could make a case for himself.

\---

_“Nah, I’m really worried.  Bitty’s parents are… a bit overprotective right now.”  Shitty said softly.  It was late, Jack and sneaked off to Bitty’s room and it was the perfect time to give Lardo an update.  She was getting ready to graduate and so she couldn’t just leave school to see Bitty herself._

_“Well, their only child did have a serious sports related injury in which he nearly bled to death.  I think they’re allowed to be overprotective.”  Lardo said.  She was in her studio, it was late up at Samwell, but Shitty knew how her studio sounded, how her voice echoed in it.  She had some of her best inspiration late at night in her studio._

_“But you didn’t see them.  His mom straight up said that Bitty wasn’t allowed to play hockey anymore.  Not with that many words, but she shot Jack down when he brought it up and… I don’t know.  It just made me feel bad for the kid.”  Shitty said._

_He probably shouldn’t talk bad about Mr. and Mrs. Bittle when they are making him welcome and comfortable in their home, but Bits had been close to tears when they decided that he shouldn’t play next season.  It was controlling, sure it was from a place of fear, but it hardly changed it._

_“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing anything but I also don’t know what’s actually going on over there besides what you tell me and you tend to be dramatic.  All I’m saying is that when Bitty gets to open his mouth again the first thing he has to do is sit down and talk to his parents.  They almost lost him, he’s their only kid, things are going to be a bit strained until they talk.”  Lardo said.  She sounded relaxed, maybe a bit tired but she was working hard on her senior projects and Shitty was still thankful she answered every time he called._

_Shitty took a deep breath.  “I’m not dramatic.”  He said, relaxing against the bed as the house settled around him._

_\---_

Bitty was exhausted.  Jack had woken him up early for the run and he felt out of breath, more than he had been in a long time.  “All those milkshakes, Bits.  You’re getting soft.”  Jack said, slowing down to keep pace with him.

At this point Bitty was ready to face the harsh reality that he was a little out of shape.  He had a lot of sugar the past few weeks and very little exercise and while he had most of his muscle mass still there it was covered with a thin layer of fat.  He didn’t look terrible.  In fact to people who didn’t notice the little things he might look exactly the same, but Jack noticed and Bitty was starting to suspect that Jack liked it.  Jack slid his arm around Bitty’s waist and leaned on him as they slowed down to walk the rest of the way home.  Jack’s hand settled on his hip and squeezed the softness there, a soft smile spreading across his face.

“Don’t look at me like that.”  Jack said, his grin widening just a little.  Bitty thought it was beautiful.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and started to type quickly.  _Perv._   Bitty had written.  One thing Bitty wasn’t going to miss about this was the delay in his jokes.  He had to type out what he said and someone else had to take the time to read it and by then the moment of humor had passed.  Jack laughed though, so it was alright for now.

“You caught me.  I like you all soft and thick.  You’re not the gangly, skinny kid I met all that time ago and you’re not the smoking hot college athlete with months of conditioning and training under your belt.  You’re relaxed, you’re happy, and you’re beautiful.”  Jack said.

Bitty let out a soft mewling sound and tried to stop the blush deepening in his cheeks.  _I’m smoking hot._   Bitty typed out.  Jack had a pretty laugh.

They stopped holding each other when they got back in the neighborhood.  Too many people Bitty had grown up around and who would gossip to his mother if they saw him and Jack standing too close.  It broke his heart, but it was how things were.  Bitty knew that in Georgia he had to be a certain way, different than how he was back home at Samwell.

They walked beside each other, not touching and not too close until they got to Bitty’s house and went straight inside.  His parents were in the living room with Shitty, watching football and Bitty took their temporary distraction while he could and slipped off to the kitchen without them noticing that he and Jack were back.  After their short run Bitty was tired, beads of sweat sliding down his face and neck.  He poured himself a glass of water and smiled as Jack did the same.  He could say so many things to this boy.  He could tell Jack that he liked how he looked after a workout, how much he appreciated them running again.  Bitty wanted to tell Jack he wanted to go back for next season, be with the team and have a good hockey season.  He wanted to tell Jack he loved him, but he still had a few more days until he could do that.

Bitty sipped on his water and leaned in close, smiling up at Jack and tilting his head back just a bit.  He batted his lashes.  Things were good now, they were alright and once he could talk again it would be so much better.  He didn’t have to think about what happened, once everything was as it should be then he could pretend the injury never happened.

Jack leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Bitty’s mouth.  They could only ever manage a few kisses here or there, but they always made his heart beat fast and Bitty lived for it.  He was warm and sweaty from their morning run so he blamed the flush on his cheeks on that.  Jack gave him a soft kiss, setting down his glass of water so he could take Bitty’s face in both of his hands and leaned down for him.

“Oh, Dicky I didn’t hear y- oh.”  Mama said, coming into the kitchen with an empty beer bottle in hand.

Bitty practically pushed Jack away, backing up again the counters and quickly hiding his face in his hands.  He didn’t know what to say, there was nothing he could say regardless.  The wiring around his jaw felt heavier than usual.  It almost felt like it was digging into his mouth to stop him from opening his mouth to explain.  Papa was standing behind her, eyes wide and he looked just as shocked as mama did.  Coach had seen him, he had kissed a boy in front of his parents and they had seen it.  Bitty kept his face hidden in his hands, unsure if he should run or face the consequences of his parents catching him like that.

“Whoa, hey.  I didn’t realize we were moving the party in here.”  Shitty said, sliding into the kitchen.  Bitty hunched his back even more and he wished the floor would just open up and let him disappear.  Shitty had done a great job the past few weeks in keeping his parents distracted, letting Coach take him to the sports bar and letting mama pump him full of sweets.  It was because of Shitty that he had any moments with Jack at all.  Now Shitty sounded apologetic, his one mission had ended.

Bitty didn’t blame him.  It was bound to happen eventually.  He had just been so happy having Jack here and so relieved to have this one thing back after what happened that he didn’t pay attention to when it was and wasn’t safe.  Bitty turned heal and ran.

\---

_“I think it would be best if you leave.”  Mr. Bittle said._

_Bitty had run from the room, his face buried in his hands and the shake of his shoulders telling Jack that he was crying.  He couldn’t leave, not after what had just happened.  He had to be here in case Bits needed him.  In case things took a turn for the worst._

_“Both of you, it’s time to go.”  Mr. Bittle said again, his voice low and firm.  Jack didn’t think he good go, not until he knew for certain that Bitty was okay._

_Shitty grabbed him by the arm and pulled him from the house, out onto the porch, and they sat down on the steps.  Jack couldn’t breathe, his back and shoulders were shaking wildly and he didn’t know what to do to help.  He couldn’t get his heart to slow down, it was pounding more than it had on his run.  Jack hated it, he hated that his anxieties always got the best of him when he needed to be stronger.  Bitty had just been outed to his parents, he was still healing from the accident out on the ice, and it was Jack’s fault.  He had just seen the healthy glow back in Bitty’s face, the pink of his cheeks, the smile on his lips.  Jack had just kissed him without caring his parents were in the other room, not even a door between them, and he had ruined it._

_“We’ll wait in the car man.  We won’t go anywhere, just wait in the car just in case.”  Shitty said, sitting down beside Jack.  “We’ll be here.  I’m a lawyer, remember.  I got your ass a month off work and I can help him if he needs us.  We’re going to be right in the car where he can see us.”_

_Shitty’s arms found their way around Jack and helped him up as they walked out to the street where Jack’s car was parked.  Jack was certain the Bittles wouldn’t hurt their son, they weren’t bigoted.  They were just set in their traditions like everyone else and Jack hoped that they loved their son more than what they were taught and told about what is and isn’t okay.  Jack wasn’t afraid of loving Bitty and he knew Bitty wasn’t ashamed of loving him, but the fear that boy had about telling his parents were legitimate and Jack would be here if the worse happened.  Shitty would back him up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I haven't had a day off at work in about 12 days and finals are coming up so there are a lot of research projects due. School writing drains my motivation for actual writing.
> 
> Also, an important notice, Bitty has just accidentally been outed. So there are a few words and thoughts that would be uncomfortable. Bitty's worried, he'll think some things and things will be said but I promise this is a happy ending.

Bitty was shaking when he went back up to his room. His hands were trembling and everything he tried to reach for fell right out of his hands. They knew, they had seen and he couldn’t say a damn thing about it.  He tried to grab his suitcase, tried to pull his clothes from his dresser so he could pack up and leave but his knees felt weak and his hands were shaking far too much to be of any use.

Eventually he gave up trying to run away.  He was a few days away from getting the wiring that kept his jaw held shut taken out and then he could explain himself.  He could open his mouth and scream.  Weeks of pent up anger and worry and he was shaking just holding it all in.  He sat on his bed and waited, tears stinging his eyes as a thousand different scenarios played out in his head.  They wouldn’t hit him.  Bitty had imagined this moment so many times over the years.  Since he had first caught himself looking at another boy.  Since he first figured out the word for how he felt, learning it from a bunch of boys sneering on the school bus and a few grown ups were saying the word as if it was sour on their tongues.  Bitty hadn’t called himself gay until he had was far away from here and safe at Samwell.  He had imagined what it would be like if he told his parents.

They probably wouldn’t hurt him for it, but Bitty could never tell if they would be the kind of parents to tell him to leave or to hug him and say they loved him.  Coach wasn’t one to hug.  Bitty sat waiting for what felt like hours, his parents never coming up to see him and he was left in suspense and planning for the inevitable outcome.  His first thought would that they would be up at any minute to either talk to him or scream at him or maybe someone would cry.  After time went by he decided they couldn’t stand the sight of him and were hiding away.

The walls of the house were thin.  He couldn’t hear any yelling, couldn’t hear stomping feet, or anything to make him think the worst. 

_We’re here.  Just outside.  We’re not leaving Bits._

Jack kept texting to check on him.  Bitty peeked out the window to confirm that he and Shitty were still waiting in their car across the street.  They were there, even when it got so late that his parents were probably asleep.  Shitty was there as well, sitting in the passenger seat with it reclined all the way back.  It was comforting to see them, standing guard outside of his house just in case.  He sneaked downstairs and pulled a juice box from the fridge before retreating back up to his room.  He had been hiding all day and his parents hadn’t come to find him.  Not even for dinner.

 

\---

 

_Chowder had the book open in front of him but he wasn’t sure if he was doing it right.  Farmer was helping, but she was as lost as he was.  Bitty had always made it seem so easy, pumping out a few pies every minute or so.  There hadn’t been a pie in the house since the incident.  It would have been nice for the team, a reminder of how good they had it and how their favorite mini-baker was okay and alive and coming home soon._

_Chowder was staring at a measuring cup, trying to decide how many cherries counted as too many._

_“You know, Bitty can do all of this with his eyes closed.”  Chowder said.  He was about to scrap the idea and make chocolate pie instead. Or cupcakes.  Or just go to the grocery store and buy something sweet for the team.  “You know Save-A-Lot sells these pies that are already made and you can just slide them in the oven to bake.  It counts.”_

_Caitlin smiled, setting down the cookbook and quickly putting away all of the perishables.  Chowder decided he could clean up later.  It was a brilliant plan really, he would clean up after he had the store pie in the oven and the team would be none the wiser.  It was a good plan, some treats would make the whole team feel more at ease._

_At least Chowder thought it was a good plan until he stood in the grocery store and squeezed Farmer’s hand as they looked at the packaged, mass-produced pastries.  They looked awful.  They were sad and pale and the crusts didn’t look as buttery and flakey as Bitty made them.  Crust was very important._

_“Dex is kinda good at baking.  We can just ask him.”  Chowder said.  He threw some boxes of Little Debbies into the cart and more butter and they checked out._

_\---_

 

Bitty didn’t sleep much that night.  He waited until morning, when he could hear his parents talking through the thin walls, and continued to wait.  He didn’t want to go out and confront them, he didn’t want to surprise them anymore and face their raw emotions without them having as much time as they needed to process.  Bitty was scared.  He would rather stay in his room until they were ready.

His parents had seemingly talked over what they needed to talk about because Bitty heard a soft knock on his door and Coach peeked his head in.  Bitty’s heart was pounding and his eyes were wide.  There were so many different ways this could go and Bitty wasn’t sure which one was first.  He either had to face his dad, his mama, or both of them at once.  He was terrified of every option.

“Your mother is making breakfast.”  Coach said.  He didn’t sound angry, but he looked tired and Bitty didn’t want to think he was tired of him and all the shit he managed to stir up.  Bitty was about to walk past him and head downstairs for an awkward breakfast when his papa reached out, his hand hovering above Bitty’s chest but not actually touching him.  “He didn’t… _make you_ , or anything like that, did he?”

Bitty’s mouth went dry and he quickly shook his head.  Lying about that wasn’t even a thought in his head.  Jack was his boyfriend and as soon as he was able to open his mouth to speak he would tell them how much he loved him.  Coach pulled his hand back and nodded. 

The house seemed quieter now than it had before.  His parents weren’t talking, they weren’t looking directly at him, and Bitty had a feeling that they were going to sit down and talk their ears off and he would have no choice but to quietly listen.  He let out a soft hum, making a soft noise through his closed teeth, and he wished he could just open his mouth and scream.

His mama turned around and handed him a smoothies, it was a light pink color and smelled fruity though he couldn’t quite tell which fruits it was.  Bitty stared at it, counting the seconds until one of them spoke first.  He had been waiting all night for this discussion, for them to state their position.  Worst case scenario was they would tell him to leave and never come back.  It would hurt like hell and he could just imagine the words Moomaw would say when the whole family found out.  It would be survivable, but painful.  Bitty didn’t want to leave his family knowing they didn’t want anything to do with him now.  The best case scenario seemed almost impossible.  They would hug him and promise that it doesn’t matter, that they love him forever, that there was nothing wrong with him.  Despite how terrified he was and how his heart was pounding, Bitty knew his parents loved him.  There were just so many things they could say, or do, or not say or do that would break him.

They didn’t say anything at all.

 

\---

 

_Ransom was skating in circles.  Faber was good for just skating in circles in the early morning.  Holster was skating too.  It had been weeks since they had been on the ice together and while Holster still didn’t want to go out for games it was good that he was out on the ice again.  Hockey wasn’t the same when they weren’t skating together._

_“You know I’m fine, right?  You don’t have to keep staring at me.”  Holster said.  Ransom just shrugged and continued to skate.  Skating was different when it wasn’t for practice or for a game.  This was just fun, no training or competition involved._

_“I know you’re okay, but you don’t have to come after me like that. I’m a naturally worrying person.  You should see me when there are families of ducks crossing the street and I try to stop traffic.  Lardo’s worse than I am when that happens.”  Ransom said.  He slowed to a stop beside Holster._

_“Now don’t act like an upstanding citizen now just because you save a few ducks.  Get on my level.  I once volunteered at the animal shelter and became a certified kitten cuddler.”  Holster said._

_Ransom chuckled, smiling at his friend and taking a clear, deep breath.  They were okay.  His hands hadn’t stopped shaking and Holster was still scared to skate in a game, but it was baby steps.  They ended up skating laps for a few hours, getting the feel for the rink they had spent years in playing a game that they love._

_“Are you going to come back to the team?  It’s not right with you not on the ice with us.  I don’t think I can be a captain without you.”  Ransom said.  It was stupid, he knew he had to give Holster time but he also wanted to enjoy playing hockey again.  The best part was being out there with his best friend._

_Holster slowed down, turning a little bit as he looked at the stands and the sunlight shining in through the windows and sighed.  “I don’t know.  What if I screw up again?”  Holster said._

_Ransom shook his head. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”_

_“It was my play, my fault.”_

_“We come up with our plays together, we always have.”_

_“Yeah but I was the one who screwed it up and my skate-“_

_“It could have been anyone’s skate.”_

_“Fuck man, he almost died!”  Holster shouted, breaking through the quiet air of the rink.  “Don’t try to tell me it wasn’t my fault when I almost killed him.  I thought I was watching him die.  And he looked up at me after we hit the ground and Bitty narrowed his eyes in that way he does as if he was worried about me!  I watched him rip off his helmet and I watched his eyes fill with understanding and terror and I was frozen and didn’t do a damn thing to help him as he bled out!  He almost died because of me.”_

_Ransom stood still, watching as Holster practically collapsed onto the ice and buried his face in his hands.  As soon as he could breathe again he pushed himself close and sat down beside him.  It wasn’t Holster’s fault, Ransom knew that but he wasn’t going to argue it right now.  He just wrapped his arms around Holster’s shoulders and pulled him tight against his chest._

_“Bits is okay.  He’s alive.  He’s breathing and walking and baking and he’s going to be just fine.”  Ransom said softly._

_Holster wasted no time in burying his face in Ransom’s shoulder.  “I was so scared.”_

_“I know.  It’s okay to be scared. I was scared shitless too.”_

_“I figured as much.  Need to talk?”  Holster asked.  He was breathing, he was still shaking and a few tears were spilling down his cheeks, but he had calmed down now that Ransom was holding him._

_“Probably.  I haven’t talked to anyone yet.  I’m not sure what to say.”  Ransom said.  Holster’s fingers tightened in his shirt and wouldn’t let go.  He waited, not saying anything, and Ransom was thankful for that.  “Okay so I guess we’re talking now.  I can talk about what happened if that’s okay with you.”_

_“Yeah, it’s okay.  I would like to hear what you think.”  Holster said._

 

\---

 

Bitty felt nervous.  He was constantly on edge waiting for them to open their mouths and say something, anything really, but he was met with silence.  The house was tense and quiet.  No one said anything to each other.  His mama was out back in the gardens or in the kitchen or leaving early for her book club.  Coach went to work, came home and watched tv, and they didn’t talk to him about it.

When it was finally time for him to get the wiring off of his jaw he was terrified.  He didn’t know what he would say first.  That he was sorry, that he appreciated them looking after him while he was hurt but he was going to go back to Samwell.  Maybe with his vocal freedom back he would just scream for a few hours.  He hadn’t been able to say anything for so long and so much had happened that he felt like he was going to burst from holding it all in for so long.

Coach took him to his appointment, it was almost like a tradition for the two of them now and although the car rides were always quiet, neither of them really capable of doing much talking, the silence was oppressive now.  Coach bought him ice cream on the way home, not a milkshake like they usually got but real, solid ice cream and it was soothing to his sore jaw and it was a nice treat now that he could open his mouth.  He was holding in his screams, though he was surprised they didn’t come flying out of him like helium from a popped balloon.  He stayed quiet and waited for them to start asking questions.

To his parents’ credit, they waited until he got home.  After days of waiting for them to say a damn thing about catching him kissing a boy they waited until the wiring was out.  Mama had laid out cookies and a few cups of coffee, extra cream and sugar for Bitty, and was waiting at the kitchen table when they came in.  It had been a few days of tense silence, but at least they wanted him to talk before this happened.

“Dicky, have a seat.”  Mama said.  Bitty nodded.  She was still using his pet name so Bitty was going to believe it was a good thing.  Coach sat down next to mama and put his arm around her waist.

“I’m gay.”  Bitty said quickly before they could ask any questions or make things more awkward.  He had to say it, he couldn’t lie and he was so tired of not saying anything.  “I love Jack.  I love him so much.  I didn’t tell you and honestly I’m not sure if I ever would have.  Probably eventually but I don’t know.  I definitely wouldn’t have told you yet if it didn’t happen.  That’s the truth.  I have to tell the truth.”

Bitty was shaking, but it would be alright.  No matter what he promised he would be alright.  Jack and Shitty were waiting outside, Bitty had seen the car still parked out front, and they would come get him if needed be.

 

\---

 

_“He just felt so small, you know.”  Ransom said.  He and Holster were just leaning on each other and letting the cold of the ice seep into them.  “Like when I saw him and saw what happened I didn’t think of a damn thing besides getting over there as fast as I could.  It was like I knew what to do without thinking, I held his neck, squeezing it so tight the blood couldn’t get out.  I felt his pulse, I felt his shaky breathing and rapid heartbeat and all I could think to myself was that I couldn’t let go.”_

_Ransom said softly.  Holster stayed silent, listening as he spoke and wondering how the whole thing had gone inside of his head.  It was probably traumatizing for everyone involved.  Holster held Ransom tight and didn’t let go._

_“I could feel all of it.  His pounding heart and everything.  And Bitty’s tiny, you know.  I cradled him against my chest and he felt so much smaller.  He’s our brother, you know, so we have to keep him safe.  And if I didn’t get there in time and if I didn’t hold him just right I would have killed him.”  Ransom said._

_“It wouldn’t have been your fault.”  Holster said softly._

_“No, it wouldn’t have been our fault.  But it doesn’t matter because he’s okay.”  Ransom said.  Neither of them was at fault.  Neither of them could have stopped it or changed it.  It was an accident._

_“You know, this talking thing is good for you.”  Holster said._

\---

 

“So you’re… dating Jack?”  Mama asked. 

Bitty shrugged and nodded and looked at the untouched plate of cookies.  “Well, yeah. He’s my boyfriend.  And his parents already know we’re together, and all of our friends.”  Bitty said softly.  He had a good support system.  If they sent him away then he still had a home at Samwell.

“But you didn’t tell us?”  Mama said slowly.  Bitty shook his head.

“Junior…”  Coach started, sighing softly as he ran a hand over his face.  “I never wanted you to be scared of us.  This isn’t something we thought would happen, we never considered it, we never talked or prepared for something like this, but we never wanted you to be scared to tell us something.”

Mama nodded as she took Coach’s hand and held it tight.  They looked sad.  Bitty tried to bite back the bitter feeling that they were sad because of him.  That him being gay caused them any heartache at all.  He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands.

“Dicky, I love you so much.  You’re my baby boy and nothing will change that.  I want you to know that.  But I don’t understand your relationship.  I never considered it, I guess I never wanted to consider it, and I’m willing to try and do better.  We both are, we want you to be happy.”  Mama said.

Bitty grimaced and shook his head.  “Please don’t give me the ‘you’ll love me no matter what talk’.  This isn’t something hard or devastating or bad that I’m doing.  I’m not a bad person just because I’m in love with a man.  Please don’t act like this is hard on you, an inconvenience or something heartbreaking.”

Bitty felt like he was just spewing his thoughts, but so many weeks having his mouth locked closed and cursed to being silent had taken its toll.  Jack was right outside, Shitty was some Harvard almost-lawyer who got Jack weeks of emergency family leave just for him.  They were both here and Bitty felt a bit of strength knowing they were right outside.

“We’re sorry.  We don’t know how to be any different from how we are now, but we talked about this and we will try.”  Coach said.  His face was scrunched up as he talked slowly.  He was carefully thinking of his words and Bitty saw the same look on the man’s face every time they tried to talk about anything other than the list of approved conversation topics between them.  “We’re going to mess up.  A lot.  But I don’t want you to ever be scared to tell us anything.  Tell us when we mess up and we’ll try to be better.”

“I want to bring Jack over for holidays.  I want to introduce him to the family as my boyfriend.  I want him to feel safe and welcome in our house.  I love him and if I have it my way I will have him for the rest of my life so I want everyone to be used to him being by my side.”  Bitty said.  He didn’t feel like those were hard demands and his parents nodded.  “I want to go back to Samwell next semester.  I want to play hockey again.”

His mama shook her head almost immediately.  “Dicky, it’s dangerous.”  She said quickly.  Bitty opened his mouth to argue but she shook her head.  “I almost lost you.  Twice!  I get a call from the school and you have a concussion and I can’t be there because you’re a thousand miles away.  And you went back.  And then I get another call and you almost died.  You’re my son, my baby, and I can’t stop you from getting hurt.”

“Mama…” Bitty said softly.  He reached across the table and let out a sigh of relief as her hand darted out to grab his.  “I’m sorry.  I’m scared too, but I love hockey.  I love school.  I wouldn’t be happy if I never went back.  I want to be happy and yeah I’m going to need a lot of help and support and I will have to talk to a lot of people to make sure I get that, but I want to go back.”

Mama was crying.  She cried a lot these days but his papa nodded and kissed her hand and that was the end of it.

“Fine!  But we have to talk about this more.  I need to know you’ll be okay.”  She said.

Bitty grinned and nodded and practically jumped across the table to hold his parents.  They held him back.  Coach held him tight, turning so that Bitty was sandwiched between them.  Coach didn’t hug often and Bitty took a moment to find comfort in his parents, in their strong arms and their willingness to try for him.

“Okay.  Now that that’s been settled those two boys have been living in that car for the past few days so let them in so they can have cookies.  I baked these fresh this morning and so far no one has eaten a single one!”  Mama said.

Bitty wasted no time in kissing her cheek and running for the front door, throwing it open as he went.  Jack and Shitty were in the car, leaning back and tapping on their phones and eating burgers.  They saw Bitty run across the yard towards them.  They looked scared for a moment, Jack nearly tearing the door off to get to him and quickly pulling Bitty into his arms.  It was probably a bad idea to hug so tight in the middle of the street but Bitty didn’t care anymore.

“Are you okay?”  Jack asked.  Bitty nodded.

“Yeah, everything’s okay.  There are cookies.  Things are good.  I get to go home soon.”  Bitty said.  “I need to call the team.  I haven’t actually talked to them in so long, I have so much to say to them.  Chowder tried to make a pie this morning, can you believe it!  Baked it too long but he was so proud and he shows promise.  I have to call and talk to them.  I have to talk to all of them, make sure Ransom and Holster are okay.  Lardo texts every five minutes so I need to call her too.”

He could speak freely for the first time in so long and he knew he was babbling and Jack just smiled as he and Shitty followed him into the house, reaching down to press a soft kiss to his lips and stopping his rambling for just a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's all folks. I probably didn't get to all I want to get to but this ended up a pretty decent story about Bitty and partially about Ransom and Holster. They're going to be okay. Lots of therapy for everyone and the Bittles will try their best. Tell me what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is turning out way longer that the original one shot so I've divided it up into chapters. Be sure to comment with emotions and feelings. Thank you so much


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